Moving on from my last blog post I’ve sat and thought so much about where im going what im thinking and embracing all the changes that are happening to me and my family.
The past few months have really taken there toll on me first of all my son saying hes leaving for the army sooner than we thought to then be pushed back, so hes not going in till october now and dealing with that and as a mum my emotions have been like a roller coaster. And yes I am very happy with him going into the Army as hes always wanted to be in the forces from the age 11, Just when you realise that 11 year old is now a 19 year old man there’s no going back and your stomach feels tight and the thought of your baby boy leaving is hard. I knew it would be, dont get me wrong but I wouldnt change it for the world but its going to be hard. This has been happening since January so the last few months, plus with him having that set back led him to go into a melt down and make some stupid mistakes. which then we pick up the pieces dont we. Being a mum to teeanagers is not as easy as it looks I now know what they mean when they say “it gets harder as they get older”. Boy they were right, I will always think Ive done something wrong you give your kids the world and when things dont turn out quiet how you planned, I stop and think where did we go wrong, Ive been judged my whole life as I was a mum at 18 and no parents around for the support. Just me and Simon which I do wonder how I even coped at that age. But I did im still here. I was always determinded to be the best mum going,(as my childhood wasnt Good, but im not ready to talk about that here just yet) Yes i’ve made bad choices but I stand by every one of them as at the time I thought they were the right ones. Kids can become so selfish without even realising what they are doing to us parents their actions along with their words. And yes I know when they have families of their own it will all ring true for them and they will get it but in the meantime its bloody hard.
Anyway Ive gone off topic, After feeling this way I have come to realise its not my fault and its more of me grieving the loss of control and power we have as parents now I have to stand back and hope they make the right choices.
Im very grateful to a couple of my friends that I have spoken with and they have both said the same, So Im not alone, but I did feel like it for a while. So with it being Mental Health Awareness week as the run upto it I felt myself unravel and start to lose all hope, I threw myself into my allotment spending what time I had up there blocking the world out. Great for my allotment not so great for me as I always got the same answers. Talking with simon wasnt always an option as I feel he doesnt quiet understand it. And he always says dont worry about it and im just being silly, which I think its because he does not fully know how to deal with it himself and ive always been the strong one that keeps it all together, how can I possiby fall apart, but I fear thats just what im doing. Its become easier to just deal with my head thoughts and problems on my own as I hate to put it on anyone else as its not their problem its mine, how could that possibly be fair on anyone. We all have problems.
Well with this in mind I stumbled across a podcast Put Yourself First by Kat Horrocks and Ive found them all so interesting and have learnt so much. Ive really got into podcasts at the moment with womans health and how to eat for what your body needs not what you think it needs. Ive also downloaded the Headspace app and have given the meditation a go which is really quiet good.
This is where I started to put myself back together I needed to believe in myself again plus having some down time from social media has helped as I can find myself sat scrolling through Instagram wishing or thinking I want my home to be like that when deep down I love my home but find myself comparing all the time. Which is not healthy at all. If you fancy a listen I love the interview the kat did with Lucy sheridan on comparison its great heres a link
This is the beginning of what Ive put in place I will share more in my next blog post as didnt want to make this one go on forever.
Thank you once again for taking the time to read and comment on my blogs it really does mean alot to me.